The Patio and "Big" Hair.

My last post ended with me meeting with Anya to calm her down about the squirt gun being taken away and she did get to use it later that night, which is where I found her squirting it into the dog’s ears to clean them out…

Anya loves to be outside, but since most of our yard is fenced and off and locked with multiple locks because there is a pool in it, she can only freely go onto the patio outside the kitchen. She also loves to use the glider when we go into the pool area, so I got the idea in the sunny weather (before all this truly cold [48 degrees mid-morning is cold for Southern California] wet weather) to move the glider to the other patio. She has been seen cuddled under a blanket out there with Chico or eating a bowl of mac-n-cheese. It gives her some independence (even though she seems to think she should be able to walk out the front door around the neighborhood, wherever and whenever she wants-like she had that freedom at the orphanage and we took it away from her?!), which is hard to mete out to a child "from a hard place.” They have the strong independence desires of their age, but haven’t fully developed fully all the other sensory, consequential, concrete and abstract thinking to be able to be safe and act appropriately. So, she seems good with her own yard for now, and yes, she does shut the slider and say, “Bye Mama,” on the way out.

 Anya on the patio with Chico under her right arm.

I forgot to mention my very favorite, most prized Christmas gift. Sorry to all who gave me other gifts but not this one, I’m just callin’ it the way I see it. Out oldest, Greg, gave Dave and me two premiere movie tickets, dinner at the Lazy Dog café and BABYSITTING for the evening! Can you believe it?! Of course, when he was offered a movie ticket from his brother, he told me he’d bring Anya and sit her next to me so I could answer all her questions…

Wanting desperately to dye my hair before Christmas (always a bad idea when I do it alone, I have touched up the wall paint so many times due to my sloppiness), I dug through the DVD drawer and found Milo and Otis, which I had picked up at Target for $5 before we got Anya, mainly because there is a Pug in it. Well, as a side note, even I was mesmerized at how it was filmed and by what they did to the animals to film it-and by mesmerized, I don’t mean in a good way. Anyway, since there was a Pug and it had talking animals, Anya watched it for a good hour. She normally doesn’t watch much of anything, both by our choice and hers, so this was amazing. I did get my hair dyed and she wasn’t too sure what I was up to while my hair was dying and all gooey.

A few nights later, after her bath when her hair was all full and more bushy than normal, she felt the back of her head and insisted I feel it too. “Mama, bolshoy (big) hair. Look, bolshoy!” She was so delighted that it is growing. So I asked her in our own pigeon Russian/English how long she wanted it to grow. She stopped, cocked her head to the side, thought and thought and put her hand around her shoulder. You could tell that she honestly never thought about it before, I’m guessing because it wasn’t an option until now. She showed me how long her bangs were and I told her with hand motions that we’d get it cut and she asked me to do it tomorrow. Well, I have several friends, relatives and children (go ahead, post the comments) that can testify that I shouldn’t be the one cutting her hair and her bangs especially. She’d come out of it with a worse haircut. I told her that she and Papa would go to a “hair store” and they would get their haircuts. Through the translator we let her know that the back was pretty uneven so the stylist would have to trim a bit so it will grow out beautifully. I didn’t want her to freak out if the stylist moved to the back or sides of her head, away from the bangs. And I’m no stylist, but I assume there will be some side trimming to make the 4” bangs blend with the 1.5” rest of the head. So, tomorrow, which is also Papa’s “Happy Birthday!”, will be the big haircut day and someone is very excited. Oh, and Anya is too.

The same night we talked about the hair and its upcoming cut, Anya was looking at my arms (I am like a hairless wonder on my arms and legs) and she insisted that I must shave them (more hand motions). Now, I know people do, but I had the hardest time convincing her that I don’t.

Anya just got a special treat. She was able to spend the night at our translator’s home with her sister and mom. The two sisters were both adopted five years ago and have been in Anya’s shoes before. Anya was great for the afternoon and evening, but had a really hard time in the morning, when she needed to leave them. We were told transitions are really hard for adopted children. She has so much sadness and it leaks out every two weeks or so. The training and information I gleaned before adopting Anya explains something that makes so much sense.

• If a child is acting crazy, then they are afraid.
• If a child is acting angry, then they are sad.

That’s it. It is not really about the actual behavior, just about the fear or sadness. The behavior is just behavior, not to be seen as bad. So, the point is to deal with the fear or sadness. We let Anya cry and be angry and let her know it is okay and good for her because all that sadness has to go somewhere in order for her heal. Without the healing from the grief, she will never be able to attach properly.  

I have been empathetically wired to take on people’s emotions easily and extreme sadness doesn’t bother me and hardly phases me. I sometimes cry a bit along with Anya because of it, which I guess is good because the aim of raising a child “from a hard place” is to connect with them. If parents are constantly correcting their child’s crazy and angry behavior, then connection isn’t happening. It’s really hard when you have something to do or somewhere to be, but somehow Dave and I have been able to get creative and figure out solutions that are connecting, which calms Anya down and eventually, we can get on with whatever it was we were aiming to do. I am so glad we made the hard choices we did in order to have me stay home with her-I do not know how people with full time jobs and younger children do this!!

I have an appointment scheduled with an Occupational Therapist who can help locate the developmental “gaps” in Anya’s wiring and work with her to regrow them. After telling her our story and Anya’s background, she told me, “You have your work cut out for you.” The developmental psychologist who put on the seminar I attended in the fall heard Anya’s story and said, “I sure wouldn’t want to be in your shoes! She will have profound sadness.” What is it with these people?! Ever heard of encouragement?? I guess that’s why I don’t find our situation that hard. I am expecting the absolute worst case scenario, such as killing the family pet, setting fires or threatening parents with butcher knives, so anything better than that is just grand as far as I’m concerned!

Dave and I need to slow her down and get her along to bed for her big day tomorrow. Off to connect while at the same time get the child in bed…

~Monica