When You Fish Upon a Star.

Whoa, that sadness.

I didn’t realize how prepared I am to deal with Anya’s grief until she had a small angry outburst in front of several adults. I was dealing with her to get her into the car (a leaving transition-those are difficult for children “from hard places”, aside from being hard for her temperament) and as I looked around, four adults looked shocked and very uncomfortable-and they all know her. For a long time I have raised a family and had many friends and some of them, like Anya, for a lack of a better way to say it, are not good with emotions, both with their sheer existence and with dealing with them. For some reason, I guess by design in preparation for getting Anya, it is somewhat normal to me to have a person standing there, completely frustrated with what they are feeling and for me to have to tell them what it is. You are frustrated or you are sad, aren’t you? I guess that is why I was given all my life experiences, because what other crazy person could deal with this intensity of emotion Anya has, as if it were as normal as breathing.

I got her in the car, with “you can walk, I can carry you or (just to be really clear) there is a third, implied choice. I will carry you if you choose nothing.” It was literally translated so she understood and she chose to walk, after a terse comment was hurled my way . But I did get eye contact and that connects, so that was good. As I guided her with my hand on her back for the long six foot walk to the car, I looked up and that’s when I saw it all. Standing around me, almost in a circle were stunned people who felt awkward and bad. Was I the only one who felt this was normal and it was just an annoying issue to deal with, just like any other child issue? I guess so.

I let her tears flow and let her go to her room when we got home. My old parenting thoughts came in as I wanted to take away a privilege or something, but remembered the goal with her was to connect (a bit later when she was calmer) and to let the emotions out.  I did hear her extroverted conversation with herself in Russian for over 30 minutes. Then I heard all the things being rearranged in her drawers (some control for her). Later there wasn’t much noise and I met her in the kitchen, where she asked to eat and I offered her liquid as well. Fuel takes away quite a bit of the problem, but how do you force food and drink into a child who is letting out anger and rage? You don’t. I decided that if she was still angry and wanted to do something like a take a walk or listen to music, she’d have to eat and drink a bit first, and then she could. However, she initiated it on her own!! Yes, I am amazed at how quickly she learns and makes good choices.

Some more interesting physical facts about people who’ve been traumatized or neglected:

If the child is dehydrated (one psychologist says urine that is colored or smells is a sign of dehydration), then the neurons in the brain fire quickly and behavior will be aggressive and/or angry. We have noticed that giving Anya water before any other drink and every two hours (as advised) keeps her very pleasant and even keeled.

The other interesting fact is that children with trauma/neglect in utero or in the first two years of life, have insulin receptor site that didn’t develop properly. So, feeding a child every two hours also keeps them calm and cooperative. There is also a greater ability for them to learn and have fun when they get this fuel on time.

Dave took Anya on a long walk yesterday and they came across a large dead raccoon in the street. Anya was very sad. She cried and was really worried about the raccoon. Dave talked with her through the translator and she calmed down a bit. But 10 minutes later she was really upset again. Ah, the grief monster. She told Scott they needed to go back to the raccoon and pray for it (about a mile away)! We convinced her we could pray from the house, which we did and I asked Dave to use the computer translator and tell her about the people who come and clean the streets and "bury" the dead animals. I drove down that street and back several times that night with Anya and didn’t see the raccoon on the street anywhere. On the way up the road today, in the light, I noticed a big bright red fleece blanket under the nearby trees and a raccoon head sticking out of it. Gotta find another route for awhile…

Anya likes the updated Disney video version of When You Wish Upon a Star from Pinocchio and she was wavering back and forth yesterday singing When you Wish and When you Fish. But today it's a firm When you Fish, eight times for the intro before the old time When you Wish Upon a Star starts. Too funny as she is in her teenager mode singing and dancing along, very cooly I might add, with the video and very intently singing, When You Fish, When you Fish.

~Monica